Ring Lardner

Oakland Enquirer/February 6, 1919

Friend Harvey: —

Well Harvey a few days ago the boss handed me a letter and yesterday was the first time I had a chance to read it and here is what it said:

“Honorable Sir:

“As a reader of your publication I protest against the publication of such nonsense as was printed in today’s issue of The Wake of the News. Ink and paper are too costly to be wasted when there is so much good that your publication could do using the same space.

“By everlastingly keeping at the public through your paper many sidewalks now neglected would be cleaned and kept free from ice which are at present the cause of many accidents. More people could be influenced to care for their property better than at present with no additional expense of money. Please give this matter serious consideration and then let Mr. Lardner be the one to do the work and he will be considered of more use than at present.’’

So then the gent’s name was signed but anyway I went home last night and woke up at 1 o’clock in the morning which is earlier than usual and something told me I had a toothache and I called up information and asked them what to do and they said go to a dentist but they said I probably couldn’t get a hold of one for 7 or 8 hrs. I made a note of it and thought I would go back to sleep for 7 or 8 hrs but I finely decided to stay awake the rest of the night and when I got up this morning I remembered about the dentist without consulting any notes and I came down town to where 1 of them hangs out and he said he couldn’t tell if it was alveolar or lateral and if it was alveolar it would have to come out but if it was lateral he could maybe save it.

So he said I would half to go to a tooth photographer and get a snapshot and find out which it was and I told him I thought Mr. Lowry would draw a picture of it for nothing, but no I had to go to this bird and he gave me a note to him with my name on it and I took it over there and the girl said, “Oh is it thee who works for the paper?” and I said “Dost thou read it?” and then they took a couple of X rays and it was lateral and I went back and the first bird said he thought so all the time and the trouble with me was that I had been gnashing my teeth.

So he said, “I can saw them down so as you can’t gnash them no more for a while but the best idea is to find out the cause of gnashing and destroy it.”

So I happened to think of this here letter that I have copied it out and after I copied it out I tore it up and now I am not gnashing my teeth any more and I wish you would tell the boys to not white me no more letters like that as staying awake all night is expensive to say nothing about dentists and even the picture cost and the next reader of this publication that feels that way I wish he would tell it to my face so I could gnash his teeth and not my teeth and in return I will try to get the property owners to clean off their sidewalks on the st. where the reader lives, though I hope it isn’t our st. as we certainly do enjoy it to see people slip on the ice and fall as they always fall in such funny positions.

R.W.L.