Ring Lardner
St. Louis Globe-Democrat/November 19, 1922
The most of my readers may recollect that I bet dozens and dozens of dollars on the so-called Yankees to win the world serious which turned to ashes like the most of my bets but which if they had of win same, why I was going to spend the proceeds on the purchase of a costly mackerel skin fur coat for she who I laughingly refer to as my hive.
The serious is now a thing of the past like the latest N.J. murder but this year’s winter has not been postponed and here it is coming on and not only the Mrs. has not got no coat but the 4 little ones who I call the kiddies is practically destitute in many respects you might say and the situation is what a great many people might call impossible as the French have it.
Like for inst. The oldest of the little fellows has been wambling around the little home for the past 12 month with only the one tooth brush and getting the more teeth all the wile.
No. 2 as I often call him has got 2 les and 2 stockings but only 1 garter or elastic. The 3d in line of succession has not get nothing you might saw and is trying to get along on his brains which even his best friend would call a precarious existence knowing him as they do.
The 4th. And last we hope is just a nonentity but insists on having rompers and toy balloons and feed so dear to the heart of other kiddies.
You Don’t Have to Buy Tickets, But—
Personly I have been lopping around the joint for mos. and mos. without no new night gown to make myself presentable and all and all it is getting to be a terrible conditions of fairs and lord only knows when we will half to give up the heavily mortgaged home and move to a high price apt.
The above is all merely by way of an introduction to tell my readers what is coming off to get myself and family out of what at 1st glance might seem to be a impassable dilemma.
Well friends the solution of the misery has came from my loving friends namely to put on a benefit for myself and family and that is what I have wrote this letter about is to try and tell the details of this benefit and what it is going to be like and will say at this pt that people who don’t want to buy tickets to this benefit is welcome to not buy them but I am off them for life and the date of the benefit is set for Thanksgiving A.M. and I am not asking this benefit for myself and never would of thought of it only my friends insisted on having it and I am not soliciting nobody to buy tickets but will hate all those qwho don’t.
This great event will be staged at the Polo Grounds in N.Y. city and the owners of same are giving me the grounds free of gratis provided they will take the 1st 92 per cent. The balance goes to me after the Yankee ball club has took there 42 percent and of course a even 50 per cdent for the police. This leaves a neat little figure for the writer provided the event is attended right and should be when you overlook the folling list of events.
An Attractive Program
9. A.M.—Benediction by Brig. Gen. Dawes.
9:15 A.M.—Parade of germs from upper end of Manhattan Island back and 4th.
9:30 A.M.—Will Rogers of the Follies is chewing the rope.
9:40 to 11:00 A.M.—Recovering from exhaustion.
11:10 A.M.—The Yankees have kindly consented to give there specialty, hitting bounding balls to the 2d. baseman.
11:30 A.M.—A pole match to prove that it is a Pole Grounds. Game between the photographers on P.M. papers and the officials on the Erie ferry boat. This game will be played with horses that used to hall st. cars this way and that. Neither team have ever win a game or lose one.
12:13 P.M.—Duel with swords between 2 giraffes, Pat and Mike, from the Bronx zoo.
1:14 P.M.—A turkey carving contest between 2 Swiss elephants.
2:00 P.M.—Football game between Harvard and the International Correspondence Schools.
2:11 P.M.—A long nap.
3:00 P.M.—Rapid shaving duel between 2 neophytes from the House of David.
3:12 P.M.—Boxing contest between Jack Dempsey and the West Point football team, one at a time.
4:23 P.M.—Chorus of washerwomen from the Ziegfeld Follies.
That is the program gents and I advice everybody to miss it but those who don’t come and pay there little $1.00, why I am off of them for life.
The Archive 