Ring Lardner

Toronto Daily Star/July 7, 1924

July 5.—It seems like this should be told again in chronological order. Well, way after midnight on the 4^th of July, I call up a newspaper which I will not name as they have never offered me a cent to work for same and I asked them what was the news and they said Mr. McAdoo had took a big advance and was now 588 votes. So I says to the little woman who I now call Buster, it looks woman we would be all through tomorrow night. So I went to sleep and woke up in the morning only to find that error had made over the telephone and McAdoo had ony 528 instead of 588 votes and it looks like we would be here all summer. I told this to she who I have nicknamed the Mrs. and she give me a wry look as she has been a Republican all her life but I convinced her that the boys was in earnest and she says all right go ahead but don’t go later than September as we have a date to attend Old Timers’ week in Indiana.

So then I got on the 9.12 train all alone and found out by reading the paper that Chairman walsh had throwed a gavel at a gentleman from New York, or in other words, I mean that the head of the gavel had flew off the handle and hit a guy from New York and knocked him unconscious and they asked me what did I think about it and I says you can’t knock a guy from New York unconscious because they have been that way ever since this alleged convention started.

Just Cheap Floor

So finally I got seated down in the convention and they started taking more ballots and a man from Oklahoma asked for the floor and said he thought the sense of the convention was to ask all native sons to withdraw. His speech was all right except when he says the sense of this convention, of which, of course, they ain’t none. The funny part of this. convention is that every little while somebody gets up and asks for the floor. If they knowed what a cheap floor had been put in for this convention they would probably quit asking for it.

But anyways this man from Oklahoma wanted all the favorite sons to withdraw. Well, gents, I have got four sons and none of them the favorite over any other sons but I will make them all withdraw if you will nominate a candidate.

Makes Perfect Ticket

My present platform, based on the fact that Major Berry wants to be vice-president, is Berry for vice-president and Razz for president, making a perfect ticket of Rass-berry.

Other dark horse whom I have met during the day was Jack Downey of the Aberdeen Hotel for president and Elmer Oliphant of Purdue and West Point as vice-president. Mr. Downey owns the Aberdeen Hotel and Mr. Oliphant ain’t ever done nothing but play All-American football.

Or if you don’t like those, pick Paddy Carr from Chicago for president and Elmer Oliphant for vice-president. But my favorites is Razz and Berry and our slogan is we are going to be here till the world’s serious..