Ring Lardner

Pensacola News Journal/October 9, 1922

Ring Lardner Says Detroit Writers Watched World Series and Then Went to the Zoo to See More Animals—Asks Friends to Donate Plush to Make Costly Fur Coat

Well boys, it looks like it was all over and the only complaint I have got to make is that the traffic regulations was not handled right. The next time the Yankees takes part in a world series they should ought to have a traffic policeman stationed between first and second base and another traffic policeman stationed between home and 1st. The former should tell the boys when it is ok to run to second and the latter must inform them that when a ground ball is hit to the infield in a World series the general theory which has never been disproved is to run on high speed to first base which is the base towards right field from the home plate. The lack of adequate stop and go system is what lost this serious on the part of the Yanks. The final game of the series was marked by the only inceedence of brains exhibited by the Yanks during the whole serious.

In the second innings with two boys on the base and one out Joe Bush passed Arthur Nehf to first base so as to get the head of the batting order up and not confuse the official scores. This bit of thinking probably was responsible for nothing. I will not try and dilate on the rest of the serious only to say that Charles A. Hughes and Eddie Batchelor of Detroit spent this a.m. at the Bronx Zoo to try and see more animals. It is hard to satisfy the boys from Detroit.

All I know what to write about on an occasion like this kind is little incidence that come off, the first incidence that calls to mind is in regards to Tommy Rice of the Brooklyn Eagle. Tommy wrote seven thousand words in regards to the first game of the serious and page by page it blew out of the window in the costly apartment building in which the Brooklyn expert lives. There is no telling what the loss to the world is on account of not being able to read Tommy’s story to say nothing about the readers of the Eagle. 

Now, boys, I suppose they is a few interested in whether the little woman is going to get a costly fur coat. The other day I wrote a story to the general effects that we was going to kill our cats and use their fur to make the costly garment. This story was not appreciated in the heavily mortgaged home. After a long argument the master of the house compromised and decided to not doom the little members of the finny tribe to death. Instead of that we are going to use an idear furnished by the same Eddie Batchelor of Detroit mentioned a few thousands words ago. Eddie’s idear is to start a chain letter to all our friends and readers asking them to look around the old homestead and find their family albums and take the plush off of the covers and send it to the undersigned and make a plush coat which everybody tells me is the most fashionable fur on the green footstool. The little woman can wear plush and a specially the red pigment, but black and tan plush covers will be welcome and this man tells me theys nothing more attractive than a black and red and tan blocked coat made out of plush albums. 

I was going to say further in regards to the plush albums but Harry Frazee has just butted in with the story of his life. It seems like when Harry was a young man in Peoria his father said to him if you don’t be wild and go into the theatrical business and stay around Peoria you will be as big a man as your uncle. So Harry looked at his uncle who was getting $125 per month staring at books. “Well” says Harry, “I can get more than that catching runaway horses.” So he is now catching runaway horses and selling them ‘to the New York baseball club.

 As I now sit here and write. I am surrounded by a corpse of experts just as ignorant as me and they don’t seem to be none of them able to tell who is going to pitch tomorrow. Personally, I think it with be Col. Rappert and Huston.