Ring Lardner

Sacramento Morning Union/January 9, 1921

About 2 wks. ago I wrote you a letter applying for the position as secy. of state in your cabinet and haven’t rec’d no reply to same but from what I been reading in the papers it looks like you had made it up in your mind to give this positions to either Chas. Hughes or Eli H. Root. Well, W. G., I haven’t nothing to say vs. neither one of these men and believe they would both make you a good man as Eli has held the position before wile Chas. mind should ought to travel right along with yours as he was president himself a whole night.

Speaking about Chas, he reminds me something like a busher on a baseball club. Washington drafted him from the N. Y. State League and all he done was set on the bench till the Senators needed a run and he run for Sweeney and got called out on a close decision and in the mean wile they had signed up another bench warmer and it was back to the bushes for Chas. and when I say bushed I am not makeing no vulgar reference to his disguise.

But laying all jokes to 1 side, what I am getting at is that I wanted a portfolio in your cabinet though I have all ready got a portfolio that I use it to bring my play manuscripts back home in, but no jokeing Gamaliel, wile I said I would prefer secy. of state, why if you have got a man in mind for that position, why I would just as leaf take one of the other places like for inst. post master gen.

Now Gam, I know that some of my enemys will probably tell you that I am not eligible for this portfolio as I once served turn as substitute mail carrier in Nile, Mich., and know something about how the mail service should be ran, but between you and I, Gam, I don’t recall nothing about the ins and outs of the business and as far as technical knowledge is conserned, I would enter the new birth with that blank mind so nessary to a Cabinet member.

How to Handle Xmas Packages.

But I have got some good idears in regards to the improvement of the P. O. dept, and while I think the present incumbants has made a start in the right direction, still I don’t feel like he has grasped all the possibilitys. Like for inst., if another war come up in France and our boys was sent over there and their wifes and mothers mailed xmas presents to them, why instead of dumping all these packages on a ship bound for Honolulu I would open them up at Hoboken and have a rummage sale and send a certain per cent of the receipts back to the wifes and mothers to keep them going till the war dept. got around to sending them part of their last April’s allotment.

But the thing I would get after is our stamp system which it looks to me like it was one of the silliest things connected with the govt. As soon as you promoted me the portfolio I would go right to work and get up some stamps with some sense to them. Like for instance instead of a picture of a boy riding a bicycle on the special delivery stamps, I would have a picture of the Shamrock 3 or a Ford with a wheel off.

It is my idear that the stamps that is used the most oftenest like the 1 and 2 cent stamps should ought to have a picture on them that will give the person to who the letter is addressed some sort of a hint as to what the letter is about, so as if they are not interested they don’t half to open the letter. Of course if you wrote to somebody to inform them of the demice of some relative or friend its O. K. to use one of the present stamps with Washington’s picture or some other party that’s dead.

Stamps to Indicate Contents

But the most of the stamps would half to be brand-new, with photos on them to fit all the different kinds of letters. For inst. I would fix it so that when you wrote a letter that you thought was comical you could buy a stamp with Charley Chaplin’s picture.

When you sent a person the monthly statement of what they owed you, the stamp for it would have a picture of some famous man named Bill, like Bryan or Hart or Sunday or the Kaiser.

If you wrote a letter enclosing some money the stamp would be a picture of some notorious Jack, say Dempsey or Pershing or Barrymore or Jill’s husband.

A invitation to a party would be stamped with a picture of the Haig boys or Mr. Volstead, according to the party.

The regrets would carry a photo of Cox or Ludendorf or a group picture of the Yale football squad.

A invitation to a wedding would have on it a design of a minister holding a $20 tip in his mitt.

Also I would make it compulsory for people that wrote and asked you to dinner to buy one of two styles of stamps, either with a picture of a man in a dress suit or a picture of a man in his own clothes, then they wouldn’t be no argument about what you was suppose to wear.

Love letters would be stamped with a photo of Lillian Gish or Theda Bara according to how much you dast say in them.

After I had ran the dept. a wile and they was a big surprise on hand, I would go a step further than the above and introduce a stamp system which I have always thought it would be ideals, namely to have every letter stamped with the picture of the party who the letter was for and also a picture of the party that wrote it. In this way you wouldn’t half to open practically none of your mail. And suppose you met the mail man on the st. and he recognized you from your picture, why he could say:

Wait a minute, I have got a letter for you and save the trouble of going to your house. As for the picture of the sender, I would have it made a criminal offense for say a concern like the gas Co. to get you to read their mail by stamping it with a picture of Dorothy Dalton.

In the case I found it impossible to carry out my idears in regards to stamps for a wile, I would put in effect a temporary scheme that would be a trouble save, namely I would have the clerks in the P. O. open up all your mail and if they thought they was anything in it you might like to know they would call you up or wait till you dropped in the P. O. some time and tell you about it.

I would also abolish the dead letter office though they tell me it never done such a big business as lately, but I can’t see no reason for haveing it. My idear is that if the person who a letter is addressed to can’t be located, why, send it to some poor family that don’t get many letters.

Would Engage Best Talent.

Another thing I would do is stop people like congressmens whose names is Harry and Thos. From putting a Frank on their mail. Of coarse the mail ain’t worth 2 cts. when you get it, but if they are going to gum up the mail box with their speeches and packages of prune seed they should ought to pay of it.

I would also try and make jobs in my dept. so attractive that the best kind of people of both sexes would want them. I would give my employs some kind of social life like for inst. A party once a wk. where we would play some games they would be interested in like post office. And I would insist on all post offices everywhere staying open all day Sunday so as when the next amendment goes in effect they will be some place for the public to hang out between church.

I wished you would give me whirl at this portfolio, W. G., as the more I think of it I like it even better than secy. of state because stepping into some men’s shoes like following Nora Bayes on vaudeville bill, but this will be like going on after Geo. Devine the Juggler, but any way if I don’t hear from you one way or the other in a few days I will think they must be something wrong with the postal service.